Fanfiction War
by Prankoholic
Summary: New chapter added. James and Remus sort things out. It may sound dull, but read it anyway!
1. Chapter 1

MPP writes Fanfiction  
_(A/N: May not be suitable for kids under thirteen)_

With the help of a magical machine that helps teleporting future items to the past, the marauders had gotten hold of a computer with internet connection and they also had access to all the webpages that would come to exist in the future.  
"Ok, what should we search for?" Remus asked. He was the one that typed.  
"Search for…marauders" said James.  
Remus typed 'marauders' in the searching box at Google and many pages appeared.  
"Wow, we're famous" said Remus.  
"What's 'fanfiction'?" Sirius asked.  
Remus clicked on a link that lead to a fanfiction written by, well, no one they knew obviously.  
"Oh look, it appears to be about you guys!" said James. "SiriusXRemus slash. Why am I not there?"  
"What's 'slash'?" Remus wondered.  
They read the fic, turned green and threw up.  
"Who writes these sick things?" Sirius gagged.  
"Ok, now I can't ever look you inthe eyes again…" Remus closed the page.  
"Jeez, guys, the truth has unfolded! I knew there was something going on because you argue all the time but who knew that _that _was what you were up to whenever I was at Quidditch Practice…"  
"Who knew you could do that many things with a wand" said Sirius, impressed.  
"Prongs, that is obviously a made up story by someone with the only purpose to satisfy her own sick fantasies!" said Remus, disgusted. "And I'm not that girly, am I?"  
James and Sirius looked away.  
"Sure you're not"  
"Whatever you say"  
Remus glared at them.  
"Anyway, let's write our own fic!" Sirius suggested. "And name it…"  
"Lily Evans Begs James For A Date" said James and started typing.

Lily Evans Begs James For A Date – By James, Sirius and Remus

_Lily Evans, the stunningly beautiful gorgeous hot pretty sexy-_

"Maybe I shoul type, or we'll never get anywhere!" said Remus.

_-girl sat with her friends in the library, studying. There was no better place than the library, the smell of old dusty spellbooks filled the air with a pleasant-_

"Maybe I should write because if Moony writes the readers will fall asleep" said Sirius and continued typing.

_-booksmell. Anyway, there was Lily with her hot friends Marlene and Dorcas. Marlene was particulary pretty, she wore a tight very low-cut dress and Dorcas sat in just her lace adorned underwear. "It sure is hot in here" said Dorcas and took off her underp-_

"Ok, Padfoot, let's keep it pg, ok? Keep those kind of details in those adult novels your working on" said James and continued typing.

"_Dorcas, you must be freezing cold!" said the beautiful Lily and took off her clothes so Dorcas could stay warm.  
_"_But now you're wearing nothing!" said Marlene.  
_"_Oh that's ok, girls, because I'm gonna meet James later and I won't be needing any clothes for that-_

Remus pushed James from the typing seat. "Really guys, if we're gonna write a fic we might as well do it well!"

"_James is no good for you" said Dorcas and conjured some clothes from her wand that Lily could wear.  
_"_Thank you, Dorcas. Now, we really ought to continue working on our Arithmancy project"  
__They looked for facts in many books. It was great, skimming from one book to another. Feeling the pages while you browsed through the book, learning all kinds of new things you didn't know. Wherever they turned all they could see was books, books and more bo-_

Sirius shot a binding charm at Remus fingers.  
"You guys…really. This is how you write an interesting story!"

_Marlene came to her senses and set all the books on fire.  
_"_Hooray for Marlene!" Lily and Dorcas cheered.  
_"_Now let's leave this dump and practice kissing in the dorm-_

"We'll never get to the part when Lily begs me to date her, will we?" James asked.  
"Probably not. Just like in real life" Remus replied.  
It was James turn to type again.

_In the dormitory.  
_"_Ok, I think we're done practicing now" said Lily and put her clothes on. "Now I'm gonna find James and ask him if he wants to snog me"  
_"_Oh James is sooo hot" said Dorcas dreamingly. "Can I join you guys?"  
_"_Well, it's really up to James but maybe if we ask really nicely-_

"I can't believe that this is what goes on in your head!" said Remus.  
"I can't believe it's not going on in your head!" said Sirius. "We are young, hormone bulging teenagers! Of course we think dirty things!"  
"Could you at least keep it to yourself? You don't see me openly expressing kinky fantasies!"  
"That's because your kinky fantasies involves you, the first edition of 'Bilbo', a bottle of wine-"  
"Anyway, I don't wanna discuss this any further"  
"Of course you don't, book fetish…"  
Remus started typing.

_Lily left the dormitory looking for James. She found him eventually in a broomcupboard making out with Sirius-_

"Dude!" James exclaimed.  
"That's for calling me 'book fetish'!"  
"Padfoot called you that, don't drag me into this! Make me make out with Lily and Dorcas!"  
"Allright, allright!" said Sirius and made Remus scooch over.

"_I can't believe you are making out with that gorgeous Sirius!" Lily gasped.  
_"_No we didn't make out, I was just trying to feel his tonsils with my tounge!" James explained.  
__Lily sighed, relieved.  
_"_Thank god. So you wanna make out with me and Dorcas, James?"  
_"_Sorry, no, I got Quidditch practice. Ask Sirius, he is an excellent kisser-_

James punched Sirius in the arm and kept writing.

"_I don't want Sirius, that airheaded nitwit! I want you, James! I need you! Badly! Here and now! Right on the floor!"  
_"_Well, allrighty then!"  
__James and Lily undressed and started-_

"Ok, I think that's enough for this time" said Remus and turned off the screen.  
"Killjoy" Sirius muttered.

_(A/N: Ok, this is unlike everything I've ever written before. I've read kinkier but this is kinky for being me. Just an idea that came to me when it was late. No flames please.)_


	2. Chapter 2

Lily sat by a desk in the girls' dorm, surfing on the internet.  
She had found the computer earlier outside on the grounds under the Gryffindor tower, just like it had been thrown out from the boys' dorm.  
She didn't know where it had come from, but didn't care much of that because she had so much fun taking tests at Quizilla.  
"_What is your inner vegetable?"_ she read and clicked the link. "_Favourite colour? _Hm…I do like green…"  
The door opened and Lily closed the window and turned to see who had entered.  
"What are you doing?" Dorcas asked, winding her scarf off her neck.  
"What is that?" Marlene asked, looking at the computer. Dorcas came to observe it too.  
"It's a computer. I found it, strolling over the grounds. I strolled. Not the computer"  
The two other girls pulled up a chair and sat down next to Lily. Dorcas clicked on a blue e and a window popped up.  
"What does google mean?"  
"Sirius says it's hip hop lingo for smelly" said Marlene. "Apparently he and his friends came across something like this too earlier"  
Lily rolled her eyes. "It does not mean smelly"  
"So you know what it means?"  
"No! But it does not mean smelly!"  
"Well you can't be sure, now can you?"  
"I am very sure! Anything Black or Potter says is lies! Anyway…let's search for something…_l i l y e v a n s…"_ Lily typed and clicked. A list of links popped up, but the first one particularly drew their attention.  
"_Lily Evans Begs James For A Date" _Marlene read. "This I want to check out!"  
It seemed to be some kind of novel. The girls read it and it became clearer and clearer by each line that it really was _the _James, Sirius and Remus who had written it. By the time they had finished, they were speechless and smoke literally hissed from Marlene's ears.  
"You know…They could have had the decency not to put this story out here for everyone to read!" Marlene muttered.  
"I can't believe it, they think I'm hot! I am so happy!" Dorcas giggled.  
Lily looked like a ticking bomb. The others tried to get as far from her as possible.  
"I'm ok…I'm fine…I can play this game too! This, ladies, means war!"

_James Potter begs Lily Evans for mercy! _

_Potter and his stupid friend Black and his other much smarter and cuter friend Remus (Whom at the moment was wondering why the hell he was hanging out with the two royal assholes to begin with) were walking around zapping everyone who crossed their way into orange squids when all of a sudden Lily Evans popped up out of nowhere and disarmed them Oh wait, not Remus, he got to keep his wand.  
_"_Yo Evans I hate you bla bla bla me me me…" said Black dully and tripped on the banana peal Snape had dropped there earlier. A pretty girl passed.  
_"_Hey pretty girl, go out with me because I think I am really hot!"  
_"_Well you're not! You're super ugly!" the girl replied and zapped Black into an orange squid. Then he started crying.  
_"_Nooo what happened to my beautiful self?" he cried in despair and went to live in the lake for the rest of his life in complete celibacy.  
_"_Lily, that was so cool what you just did!" said Remus impressed. "I can't believe I've never noticed your awesomeness before. Wanna go out sometime?"  
_"_Why yes I'd love to!"  
__But then Potter had to meddle in the romantic scene and shoot a cage charm at Lily.  
_"_Oh no, I'm trapped!"  
_"_Mo haha now you shall be mine forever!"  
_"_I'll save you!" Remus shouted heroically and-_

"Hm…then what happens?" Lily asked her friends.  
Marlene read through the fic.  
"How are you gonna get to the part when James begs you for mercy?" she asked.  
"I don't know, I thought that maybe he'd beg Remus for mercy instead. He's gonna save me! Isn't that romantic?"  
"Yes that is what fics are for. Living out your unreachable fantasies" said Dorcas. "I'm gonna write one where Sirius saves my life…"  
"Get out, I was gonna do that!" said Marlene.  
"Girls, I need help! How is he gonna save me?" said Lily.  
"Oh right. Hm, well, why doesn't he just disarm him and threat to AK him? And unlock the cage? It's as simple as that" said Dorcas.  
"Sure, but where's the drama…"  
"Too bad Sirius is a squid now…because two against one…that would have been more dramatic…And it would be like: 'So you changed side, eh? Well, I guess we'll have to punish you for that' and you would be all like 'No take me instead!'. Get it?"  
Lily (actually) pondered that.  
"I don't know…"

_- unlocked the cage. _

"No, this is not good at all"  
"Move over, let me write some" said Marlene and switched seat with Lily.

_Lily cried tears of joy as she happily gambolled towards her beloved, but alas, they were not safe yet because all of a sudden the Norwegian Sneezing Fern that stood on the window sill dissolved into a flame and out of it roused Sirius of Many Colours._

"That is so lame, Marlene" said Dorcas.  
"Shush, I'm writing!"

_No one believed their eyes when the boy with the rainbow- robe calmly walked towards them with a smirk on his face.  
_"_I am now almighty" he said, pointing his wand at Remus. There was a flash of green light.  
_"_N o o o!" Lily cried a ran towards Remus' lifeless body. "No…this is not funny…don't tease me like this-"_

"Gosh, if this isn't the cheesiest thing ever written, I don't know what is" said Dorcas.  
"Fine, if you think you can do better, go right ahead!"  
"Ok, but don't kill off people I mean I don't wish them dead" said Lily.  
"Ok no more killing"  
Dorcas took the seat before the computer.

_Suddenly, it was like Sirius woke up from a trance.  
_"_W-where am I" she said, looking around. "What's going on?"  
_"_What's going on?! You just killed Remus!" James barely whispered, his voice trembling.  
_"_Uhm. What?"  
__James pointed at the dead body. Calmly, he went over to him and sank down on the floor.  
__Remus looked so peaceful, like he was just asleep.  
_"_It's time to wake up now" Sirius spoke softly and leaned over to ki-"  
_  
"NO! No PG13 YAOI business!" Lily nearly shouted.  
"There's nothing pg13 about that!" Dorcas argued.  
"Yeah! And it was getting exciting too! That is giving the crowd what they want" Marlene agreed.  
Lily rolled her eyes and took the seat before the computer.

_Remus looked so peaceful, like he was asleep. Which he was. He woke up and took Lily to Three Broomsticks. Black went back to being a squid, Potter suffered some and learned a valuable lesson and stayed away from Lily from the rest of his life.  
__The end._

Then Lily threw the computer out of the window.

_(A/N: Was in uploading mood...maybe after this I'll have Snape and his friends writing a fic)_


	3. Chapter 3

Sirius had had so much fun writing that fanfic a couple of days ago, he was thrilled to find that the computer was back on the grounds again and brought it to the dorm. One fic interested him in particular, so he printed it and showed his friends.  
"I can't believe this is what Lily thinks of me!" said James, after reading it.  
"No? Honestly?" Remus asked.  
"Shut up! I'm so not talking to you! All this time I thought you were my friend and then you go and do something like this!"  
"Like what?"  
"Taking Lily to the Three Broomsticks on a date!"  
"It was a _fic_!"  
"You know, I've always thought that Evans is a tight-assed shrew but this I won't stand for!" said Sirius and opened a new document and so began the writing of yet another fic.

Lily Evans isn't as great as she think she is

_Evans was bored__. Dorcas and Marlene were busy hiking in Nepal (or, that was their exscuse for not being able to hang out with __the pighead), so she skipped down the stairs from the dorm, hoping to find someone to yell at.  
_"_Hey, Potter! You suck! Did you know that?"  
__James, who had spent the whole day memorizing paragraphs from the Bible, looked up. "I'm sorry?"  
_"_Don't talk to me, you creep!" Evans slapped him across his face, tugged his hair, kneed him in the crotch, twisted his-_

James pushed Sirius off the chair. "Give me a break! I didn't even know what a Bible was until I tried to build a house with a bunch of them!"  
"Ok, that might have been exaggerating a teensy bit but come on, don't you wanna avenge her?"  
"No! I want her to wuv me!"  
James continued where Sirius had left off.

_-heart with her breathtaking beauty, and that really was the most painful thing she could ever do. __As she kept on physically abusing him for filling her with emotions that were weird and deeply confusing, tears ran down her soft cheeks.  
_"_Just...don't talk to me! Oh God help me I don't know what to do anymore!"  
__And then she threw herself in James' masculine arms, begging him to forgive her as she cried out againts his rippling pectorals.  
_"_But...I thought you loved Remus"  
_"_I just pretended to, so you would be jealous! Remus isn't half the man I need, he's like the sister I wanted Petunia to be, nothing more!"_

"Excuse me? What did I ever do to you?!" said Remus, slapping and tugging and kneeing and twisting James everywhere imaginable.  
"Ow ow ow ow ow ow! You do realize you're fighting like a girl right now? Ow ow..."  
"Let he who hasn't tried to sew his own pair of hot pants throw the first stone!"  
While James and Remus were beating the crap out of eachother, Sirius kept on writing.

_Why Evans wanted him now all of a sudden was unknown. Was it because she had finally realized he was the only one that could stand her presence while every other guy couldn't care less if only two 2 of the world population has green eyes as she'd frequently point out? Either way, James wasn't sure if he was interested anymore.  
_"_Stop wetting down my shirt, woman, for crying out loud!" he said, pushing her away from him.  
_"_But...I thought you loved me! I am the most unique girl at this school! I'm peas and carrots combined, dammit!"  
_"_So stick to Remus then, he's vegetarian! I can't believe it has taken me all these years to realize that I should have listened to Sirius from the beginning! Marlene really is hotter than you!"  
__Evans was so hurt she jumped out the window and died._

"We can write on the same story" said James. "Both of us clearly have two different wills"  
"This was my story from the beginning, you're the one who ruined it"  
Sirius posted the story on the internet, and James and Remus started working on a fic of their own.

_(A/N: I wanted to have Snape writing a fic, but it was only natural that the marauders responded to Lily &co's fic because it was about them so...Anyway, thanks for the reviews!)_


	4. Chapter 4

Remus usually payed attention in class, but this Friday afternoon in Transfiguration, inspiration had just flowing all day from his mind onto a sheet of paper (he had stopped using parchment once he had found out it was made from calf skin) and could not care less of how to turn a canary into a wedding cake.  
Sirius, on the other hand, had been struck by the block of writers. Of Doom.  
"Gah I'm going insane!" he screamed out loud and pulled chunks of hair off his head, so McGonagall shot a mouth-zipping spell at him.  
James reached for the roll Sirius had been writing on a read it.  
"_The day Evans realized she was an ugly wart on a pig's ass. _Ok, so you got a title, that's always a start..."  
Sirius unzipped his mouth.  
"So what do you think?"  
James rolled his eyes. "I know you hate Evans but have you realized we haven't written one fic of our number one enemy? You gotta hate him more than her!"  
Sirius thought about it. "It's two different kinds of hate...Well, not really when you think about it...If she was a guy I'd probably harass her too..."  
James dropped a wedding cake over Sirius' head.  
"Don't you even DARE suggest that Evans is equal Snape in anyway! You just can't stand that there is ONE girl at Hogwarts that has realized what a superficial scum you really are!"  
"Please, I could easily get her to fall for me, but I'd rather save myself the torture"  
"Oh yeah? Exactly how?" James got out his notebook.  
"Hm. Method 4 would probably work on her..."  
"What's that?"  
"When you let the target walk in on you in a vulnerable stage. She'd be all like 'Gee, I had no idea you had feelings' and...well, I think you get the picture"  
"GEnius! I'm so gonna try that sometime. Heck, I'm gonna write it!"  
James started writing on the backside of the testresults McGonagall had returned at the start of the class.  
Sirius tried to get a peek at what Remus had written, but he just snatched the fic off the desk.  
"No peeking!"  
"Why not?"  
"Because it's not finished yet"  
"What's it about then?"  
"James goes through a sex change because he thinks that will make Snape love him"  
James flew at Remus, knocking him off the chair in the process, trying to reach for the fic.  
"Give it to me! So I can tear it to pieces, you walking sack of ostriches!"  
"The word is o_estrogen, _beatch!"  
"You would know, wouldn't you!"  
A couple of manly flying punches later, McGonagall separated the two and gave them both detention.  
And because Sirius was feeling left out, he sent a flock of seagulls after Snape and Lily.


	5. Chapter 5

Detentions really could not be duller than the ones you spent scrubbing the entire floor in the Great Hall with a toothbrush, and James and Remus not talking did not help making it remotely standable.  
"Boy did I hear a funny joke today!" said Sirius, trying to lighten the mood.  
"If it's the one about the blushing tomato, don't bother, because I told you that one" James muttered.  
Remus snorted and rolled his eyes.  
"Footy" said James. "Kindly ask miss I-can-spell-every-word-in-the-universe what she's snorting over?"  
"I'm not asking anyone anything"  
"I don't blame you. If you accidentally say _sneeeeuuuooort, _you'll never hear the end of it"  
"Pettiness, how manly" said Remus. "You didn't inject a gallon of testosterone into your veins while I was in the library, did you?"  
"Footy, kindly tell miss I-become-a-moody-beast once a _month _that the word is _testosteroblahargh"  
_"What a BURN! HOW did I NOT see THAT one coming! Well guess what! Sticks and stones can break my bones and Lily asked me out and I said I'd think about it!"  
"Liar! I don't believe you!"  
"Aaaand I think I'm done thinking now"  
James turned to Sirius. "He's making this up, isn't he?"  
Sirius shrugged. "How should I know?"  
James poured the bucket of scouring water over Remus, who in turn responded to that by trying to fit his entire toothbrush in James' ear and for the second time of the day did Sirius wish that both of them were actual girls because that would have been much hotter to witness and got a chair to hit them both with.  
"Stop hitting me, I'm kind of in the middle of something!" James yelled.  
"No YOU listen to ME! None of you are manly right now, ok! In fact, you never are! Sure, Moony tells people off and reads _Agatha Christie _novels-"  
"One time!"  
"But you, Prongs, talk more about your feelings in one day than gay hippes do in a lifetime! And you know, it's the 70's, so it's ok to be in touch with your feminine side and all that and for men to hug. So everyone line up for a hug! Let's tear down some emotional walls"  
Sirius reached out his arms.  
"But that's not exactly what it's about anymore, now is it. If he promises he won't go out with Lily I'll be willing to forget the whole thing"  
"Well...I'm not sure I can do that..." said Remus dramatically.  
"Why not?!"  
"Like I said, I'm thinking about it! You're just gonna have to wait until the next chapter is out!"  
James stared at him.  
"Haven't you read Lily's latest fic? _The day Potter choked on an acid pop and everyone lived happily ever after?_"  
"I read that one..." said Sirius. "So Evans is MrsMarsbarluvr60..."  
"She can keep writing those fics, everyone knows hate isn't the opposite of love anyway" said James, returning to cleaning the floor.

_(A/N: I have no idea where I'm going with this...)_


End file.
